In the bad example, Jean is too vague, and has a few red flags, like suggesting that her last job didn't end well, and making an inappropriate joke about Scorpios to gloss it over. You can tell people you're great, but it's better to prove it by offering specifics, like she does in the better example. In the second example, Jean's letter body is more clearly organized, and makes sure to give the most relevant details about her career so far.
As with any professional correspondence, you don't want to seem too stiff or formal, like you're writing a letter from a Victorian template or a bad spam email asking someone to send money to a deposed prince overseas—but you also don't want to be too conversational. You're not in a dialogue yet, so it's important to treat this like a professional first interaction, and not like you're skipping several steps and asking to meet for coffee. The tone you're reaching for is, "You don't know me yet, but I'm interested in your company and want to tell you more about why."